My Lost Hope
by SnappleApple450
Summary: Bella returns to the Cullen's house after seven months of loneliness and abandonment. She finds an address. Could this be her ticket to finding Edward or more disappointment? And if she finds him, can she forgive him?
1. my journey has just begun

**Okay the winner of my poll was Lost Hope! By a long shot which shocked me. You guyz pick my depressing story over my funny and romantic. What kind of fans do I have? LOL Just kidding. I like this story. It was very second story to ever write. I'm just now posting it.**

**I have the entire playlist for this story still being made, but for now here are the songs for this chapter: _Empty Room_ by Marjorie Fair, _We are Broken_by Paramore, and _Dreams_ by Cranberries.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

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The months passed. I felt numb. No thoughts passed through my head. I used to be human, now I was closer to a zombie. People already treated me like I was dead so I didn't mind. I was pushing my cereal around with the usual expression on my face. Today was like every other day; never a difference. Days came and went without any excitement, just like I liked it.

"Bella!"

I jumped at the sudden outburst from Charlie. I looked up at him.

"I can't take this anymore," he sighed.

I was confused. Did I do something wrong? I thought I was doing a great job at not letting any emotion show. I did my chores and went to school, what could cause this sudden anger?

"What's wrong." I meant to say it as a question, but my flat voice made it sound like a statement.

He looked up from his hands. "THAT! That dead voice! That dead look! That dead......" He trailed off, taking a deep breath. "I thought a month or two would be enough. That you would go back to normal or something at least human," he sighed again. "It's been seven months since Edward left. He's not coming back."

That was below the belt. I gasped, trying to keep my emotions under control; some emotions slipped through. I was angry now---the first real thing I'd felt in months. He knew it was a rule not to talk about him. I felt myself ripping at the seams.

"Bella?" He sounded worried. Maybe he realized his mistake and felt bad. I didn't care, my mind was elsewhere. Charlie's voice was faded and distant.

Just the sound of his name caused the memories to come pouring out---out of the closet I tried desperately to close now. I felt myself start shaking violently. "Bella! Bella, are you okay?!" Charlie was freaking out, but I couldn't stop. I attempted to pull the closet door shut but it only opened wider. They just came, one after the other until I realized something......the memories were different.

I froze.

"Bella, please say something." He was begging now.

I gasped. "I can't remember," I whispered.

"What?" I looked into Charlie's worried eyes.

"I can't remember!" I screamed.

I ran outside, into the pouring rain. I was still numb so the cold water didn't bother me. I ran to my truck and tried starting it.

"I have to- I have to go see.......I have to go....." I stumbled over my words. I didn't know where Edward---I flinched at the name---was, but I had to go somewhere. I racked my hectic brain, tying to think of where he could be. I wouldn't give up. I _couldn't._

For a second, my brain cleared so I could think straight. I had to pack some clothes and money. I looked down at my frozen hand, held where the ignition was. I also needed my keys if I was going to get anywhere. I sighed, scared to see Charlie's face again.

I walked back inside, dripping wet. Charlie was still standing by my seat where I was before I ran out.

I took a deep breathe. "Dad, I think you're right," I lied. "I need to get away from here. I need a change of scenery."

Charlie finally looked up at me. I thought I saw relief or hope cross his face. "Take as long as you need." He spoke his words slowly and carefully, waiting for the crazy me to come out again.

"Thanks Dad. I'll call once I get where I'm going." I said with a weak smile; the first smile in seven months.

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**I'd apologize for it being so short, but I don't want to. The others will be longer as they go, but the first few are starting the story so deal with it. :)**

**I forgot to mention this story is dedicated to JasperSAYSrelax128. My writing style and attitude has been altered bcuz of her. Check out her stories. Not for me, but bcuz you guyz will die of laughter. I'm like a less funny model of her so you'll love her.**

**Review this short beginning pleez. I want to know your thoughts. Next chapter today or tomorrow. Expect it!**


	2. clean up

**Hey pplz. For some weird reason, fanfiction has been messing up. It sayz ppl reviewed my story when my story wasn't posted yet. Weird.....so! I deleted that and posted it again. Just thought I'd let you know.**

**Also, I'd appreciate it if I could get better reviews than just "cool" or "update soon" I'd appreciate it!**

**Playlist: All Around Me by Flyleaf, Ode to My Family by The Cranberries, My Immortal by Evanescence**

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I decided the best place to start was their old home. I walked up to the big white house and looked up the steps leading to the front door. The house screamed emptiness and abandonment, like me. It looked perfect for vampires now. I took a deep breath to calm my pounding heart as I slowly walked up the steps.

"What are you doing?" I heard sweet Edward's voice.

"Walking," I answered stubbornly. I wasn't about to let him talk me out of this decision.

Honestly I was asking for a lot of pain. Strangely though, I couldn't bring myself to stop. I reached for the doorknob, not entirely sure I knew what to expect. The handle jiggled but remained closed. I exhaled, half-disappointed half-relieved. My hand dropped to my side in defeat. Why did I think the door would magically open?

I was about to leave when I remembered the key Edward hid under the steps; in case of emergencies, no that I ever had an excuse to use breathing quickened as I stumbled to the step. I reached under, feeling for the key. My hand touched something cold and metal. I wrapped my fingers around it and pulled it towards my chest. I knew I was making a mistake. I knew I would regret the moment I opened the door. I'd deal with the consequences later, though.

I slowly walked back to the door and placed the key into the lock. The key turned as the tumblers gave way. I pushed on the door; it opened quietly. I let the door swing back on its hinges. My heart stuttered to a stop before starting back double time.

The big living room was exactly how I left it on my birthday. Pink candles and glass bowls filled with roses were everywhere. The roses were wilted and shriveled with age. I took hesitent steps forward. My shaking hand covered my gaping mouth. I bent down by the grand staircase and picked up a rose. I took in jagged breathes as I looked around the familiar house.

Moving to the white couch, I sat down still caressing the dead rose. I watched as the flower crumbled in my shaking hands. It was past repair; it was dead. Nothing could revive this once beautiful thing. It used to be full of life. The black withered petals used to be bright red. Now they turned to dust; like me. Once so alive and happy, I was now like the rose: past repair. No amount of water or sunlight could help this flower, just like no amount of time could help me. Tears were overflowing onto the petals. I laid back on the couch and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of thunder. Sitting up, I looked at my watch. I'd been asleep for only a couple hours. The front door was still open, letting in drops of rain. I walked over and closed it. The sound echoed through the empty house. I took a deep breathe and made my way up the stairs.

Edward's room didn't bring the onslaught of pain I thought it would. Instead, it brought an uneasy comfort to me, like medicine or drugs. Everything was just as I remembered. I went over to the expensive sound system and pushed play. I recognized the song immediately: Claire de Lune. It kind of became our song. That day in the car when I had passed out from blood and he was taking me home. I'd never forget that day or any day I spent with Edward, for that matter.

I closed my eyes as the familiar music flowed through me. I opened his closet door and pulled out a beige jacket he often wore; the same jacket he offered me in Port Angeles that night I told him I knew what he was. I inhaled the perfume, almost fainting at the memories it came with. I stumbled to his black couch, coat in hand. I was sad to find the smell better than I remembered. If I didn't even remember the scent right, what else did I get wrong?

I stayed unmoving on the sofa until the song ended. The emptiness sounded even louder when the song stopped. Reluctantly, I stood up, switching my jacket for his. I decided that before I try to find them, I should clean up the mess. The roses and broken table that I fell over were still there.

I went back downstairs and looked over the room again. The hole in my chest throbbed. From the corner of my eye, I could see Edward playing the piano, Emmett and Jasper watching football, and Esme flitting around, but when I turned they would disappear. I took a deep breath. I wasn't about to start crying again. Not yet anyway.

I made my way around the room, gathering the bowls and candles. Then I moved onto the broken table by the piano. I finished after hours of constant working. The room was back to the way it always looked....without the inhabitants.

"Esme will be happy to know her house is being taken care of."

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**Now because my chapters are so short right now, I thought I'd give you a little short story for this. The summary for this story is: Bella finds an address. Will it lead her to Edward or more disappointment? And if she finds him, can she forgive him?  
Well, here is an alternative story line I very badly wanted to take, but you probably wouldn't like it in the long run. It's short and not well written. I just wanted to get it out there. Review this short story as well as the actual chapter please.**

**Alternative Story**

**I went to the house and found an address. Could this be my break I was waiting for? With envelope in hand, I ran to my truck and hit the open road.**

**~*~**

**Finally, after four days of nonstop driving, I was here; the address. I looked up and saw it was a bank. A bank? Well, maybe there was another clue in there. Quickly, I ran inside. There was a lady with a beehive on her head filing her long red nails.**

**"Get with the times," I mumbled to myself.**

**I didn't think about the echo from the hard walls. She looked up with a murderous glare.**

**"Can I help you?" She asked curtly.**

**"Uh, yes. Has my ex-boyfriend been here recently? Comes by the name of Edward? He has bronze hair and gold eyes with a lopsided smile that melts your heart. If you've seen him, please tell me you didn't feed him anything. He has a very sensitive diet." I rambled on and on with excitement.**

**The lady cracked a smile. "Is your boyfriend perhaps, oh I don't know, a _dog_?"**

**I kept a straight face. "No. That would be my _current_ boyfriend. This one is closer to a lion. Especially when he ran to get the ball that one time."**

**"Haven't seen him." She replied going back to her nail filing.**

**"How about his family? The Cullen's." I prodded for information.**

**She looked up. "Oh, the Cullen's!"**

**I sighed. "Yes, they've been here?"**

**"Nope! Never heard of 'em." She answered.**

**With another sigh, I left the bank. Well, that was my last hope.**

**"Bella?"**

**I looked up at the call of my name. The voice was very familiar.**

**"Edward?"**

**"No, I'm George. Remember me? I was Santa one year." He replied.**

**I stalked back to my truck and headed home. Back to the zombie life for me.**

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**The End! Hope you enjoyed my "disappointment" way.**

**Review!**


	3. Welcome to Denali

**Ok guyz, really? The part where I say "alternate" means it's not the actual ending. I was just writing a _rough draft_ version of a different way. It wasn't the real ending. There are no banks, or beehive ladies, or Georges in my story. Just so we're clear, right? No misunderstandings.**

**Just to let you know, Bella's hallucinations are way more frequent than in the book.**

**The complete playlist for the entire story is on Playlist(dot)com. It's under the name My Lost Hope. Enjoy!**

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**My stomach growled reminding me the last meal I had was with Charlie this morning. That seemed like such a long time ago. I wandered into the kitchen to see if I could find something that wasn't expired. The fridge was empty, but I found a can of spagetti-O's in the cupboard. Also a canopener, which came as a shock to me; usually one of the Cullen's would use their teeth or nails to open it. As I chewed the food, I could imagine Emmett standing in front of me; watching me with a disgusted face.

"You actually _like_ that stuff?" He asked as his face twisted into a grimace.

"Yeah, it's _so _good," I answered aloud. "You want some?"

My imaginary Emmett gagged, running out of the empty kitchen.

I laughed to cover the sobs rising in my throat. "Please. Please come back to me." I whispered to my Emmett.

No one responded. There was silence. This could not be healthy.

Once I finished my food, I went up the stairs to Alice's room; her closet was still full. I smiled, knowing she'd take the opportunity to go shopping. I noticed only a few things missing that I remembered. A picture of her, Edward, and me. She took it during our summer vacation while Edward and I were discussing the future. He was making me upset so Alice showed up to make us laugh and forget about it.

"It's summer. Right here, right now. No future to discuss. Now smile!" She ordered us. We did as she said and completely forgot about the argument. Or at least, I did.......

Carlisle's office was the place I needed. If I could find a hint as to where they are, it would be in here. I sat in his chair behind the desk, looking through the drawers. I felt guilty going through all his personal things, but if it was something important he would take it with him, right? I searched through the piles of receipts and awards. I saw a lot of house payments. I guess I could go to every single one of these houses, but some of them were in other countries. Europe, Russia, China, Canada, South America, Isle Esme, Switzerland...... Suddenly, my fingers reached a letter addressed to Carlisle; it was from Denali. I vaguely remember Edward talk about a family in Denali. Quickly, I opened the letter.

Dear Carlisle,  
Of course we would love to have you come!  
Eleazar has missed having a man to talk to.  
Don't worry about the short notice, we'll have  
the house ready for you in no time. Might I  
inquire as to why you are leaving Forks so  
suddenly? Never mind, we'll hear about it  
once you arrive.  
Waiting,  
Tanya

I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

They're in Denali.

I grabbed the envelope for a return address. I literally felt like doing a happy dance! I will go to Denali and see Edward and.....and what? He left because he no longer loved me so why am I hunting him down?

I sat back down, broken hearted; breathing in his jacket. I was forgetting him, just like he promised I would. Just like he promised. And I kept my promise. Never once did I reach for Charlie's gun or swerve from the road or take too many pills. I stayed alive for Charlie. Now it was time to stay alive for me. The only way to do that is to see Edward again. I didn't expect to go back to the old days; I was too changed for that, but I had to see him.

I was tired of being selfless all the time. Look where it got me. For once, I wanted to do something for me and me alone. I don't want to care who I hurt or how it affects them. I want to do this for me.

With that, I ran to my truck; envelope and jacket in hand.

~*~

I'd been driving for three days straight. I slept in my truck when I got tired and ate when I had to. Charlie called yesterday; I told him I was driving, but no idea where to. He wished me luck and hoped I came home soon. I was shocked he let me go without a fight; I expected some kind of argument. He really wanted me to get better, which made me feel guilty.

No, I was doing this for me; selfish me alone.

My stomach growled for the hundredth time today, but I refused to stop for food. I had to find Tanya's clan. I knew I had to be somewhere in Canada, but I didn't know exactly where. I glanced down at my clock, 3:45. I didn't realize it was so late. I noticed my vision blurring as my eyes drooped with sleep. I shook my head; I couldn't fall asleep yet. I wouldn't. Suddenly, I heard a loud honking and blinding white lights were right in front of me. I opened my eyes and swerved back into my lane. I didn't realize my eyes had closed as I was telling myself I wouldn't let them.

Defeated, I pulled over to the side and turned my truck off. I fell into a restless slumber until eight in the morning. Yawning and stiff, I sat up and looked around. My heart stopped before picking up double time. Right in front of my truck was a green sign. It read:

**Welcome to Denali**

There was no way this was happening to me. This stuff only happened in movies and fairy tales. Seeing as my fairytale ran away seven months ago, this seemed nearly impossible. Did that mean I was close to my Prince Charming?

I started the car and reached for the envelope. There was a smear of black ink where the address used to be. I looked at my reflection in the rear-view mirror. The right side of my face was black. I had cried in my sleep, causing the tears to ruin the paper. I groaned, banging my head against the steering wheel. How could I have been so careless and stupid?! I had no idea where they lived. I couldn't just ask around for a vampire family.

The depression slowly leaked back into me as I drove into town. It was cloudy today so they could possibly be out. Of course, the Cullen's never just went out into public; they went to work and school.

I pulled into a gas station. Three men were sitting on a bench watching me clumsily get out and start the pump. I walked towards them gaining courage to ask them. The welcome sign, I remembered, said the population was only 1,872. So I decided that _someone_ had to know Tanya.

"Do you know where I could find Tanya and her family?" I only knew the names: Tanya and Eleazar. That's all I knew about any of them.

They eyed me suspiciously. "Maybe. Describe 'em," the short one said in a husky voice.

It dawned on me, I had no idea. "Ummm.....pale skin, golden eyes.......does that ring a bell?" I asked hesitantly.

The tall one nodded at my description. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"They live right outside of town," he spoke pointing to the road I was on. "You just follow this road until you reach the end of town. There, you'll see a driveway on your left; that should take you right to them." He hesitated. "Mind my askin' why you need them?"

I looked away from his curious gaze. "They're an old friend of my......family." I swallowed the lump in my throat as I turned back to my truck. I started to feel hopeful, knowing I shouldn't. That letter was from seven months ago. They could have left ages ago. I turned the key and my engine roared to life. I followed the man's directions, thinking about how I was going to approach them. What if they refused to help me? How could I go on after that? I had to stop thinking like that or I'd be in a fetal position before I knew it. My thoughts were interrupted when I saw the Now Leaving Denali sign. Sure enough, a few feet ahead was a turnoff. I couldn't help the fact that my heart was leaping out of my chest.

The large house came into view. I took a big calming breath while I got out. I walked up to the door and knocked.

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**Cliff hanger! Excited? Please review. I hope you like my story so far.**


	4. Burying the Past by Opening the Wound

**Sorry for putting this story on hold. I've been finishing up my other story. Please forgive me. This is priority now.**

**Oh I forgot to tell you. Victoria and Laurent aren't in my story. They kinda just....dropped off the face of the earth. LOL**

**Important note at the end of chapter. Do not skip over!**

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**I waited for a short moment before a man answered. He had black hair and an olive tone to his complexion. I was taken aback by his beauty, not used to seeing such perfection.

He smiled warmly. "Can I help you?" He asked in his melodic voice.

I exhaled, not realizing I was holding my breath. "Hi, you don't know how good it is to see you." I smiled. "My name is Bella. Bella Swan?" I said, wondering if Edward ever mentioned my name. The recognition on his face told me he knew.

"Please come in.....Bella." He said hesitantly.

I walked in casually glancing at his eyes; they were a light butterscotch. Relief swept over me. "Oh good. I was worried I'd come when you were hungry, but I see you recently ate." I rambled, trying to fill the awkward silence; instead, I made it worse.

"No.......I just ate." He looked at me like I was crazy.

I forgot that the last time Edward was here, I was just an insignificant girl at school. Was that all I ever was? I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must seem crazy to you right now."

He didn't contradict me, only stayed silent, watching. Before I could go into another rambling state, three girls walked in. The man I assumed as Eleazar turned to them. They froze when they saw me.

"Tanya, Kate, Irina.....this is Bella." He introduced us, still watching me curiously.

I reached out and shook Kate's hand. Her eyes got really big when I touched her cold skin. "I-I'm sorry for intruding like this. I came all the way from Forks an---"

"Don't you feel anything?" Kate interrupted me.

I looked at her, confused. "Ummm.....should I be feeling something?" I questioned.

"It's not like I'm being hostile or anything, but you should be on the ground." She explained.

"Remember what Edward said about him not being able to read her mind? That may also apply to your power." Tanya thought aloud.

"Well, she's a shield so I'd bet all mind powers won't work." Eleazar helped.

Irina was still watching me. "You were saying something about Forks?"

I regained my train of thought. "Oh right. I came here wanting to ask you something but I realize it was a stupid idea to begin with."

Eleazar's eyes turned kind. "If you came all the way from Forks in that old truck then it must have been something important to you."

I looked back to Kate, who was still shocked that I wasn't affected.

"I see a lot has happened since our last visit with Edward. None of the others will talk about you." Tanya remarked.

"Are they here?" I asked, my heart pumping faster.

Tanya took my hand. "They left about six months ago. Come sit down and tell us all that has happened."

I nodded weakly, still scared to bring back all those memories. I hadn't quite stopped flinching with his name yet so the memories were going to be painful.

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After about three hours of talking to statues, I finally got to the end. I told them everything I knew, everything that had happened, and then I told them my painful reasons for visiting.

"After my birthday party, he changed. He felt guilty for what I did. He thinks he's not good for me. He thinks I'll be happier without him, but......I'm not." I confessed, a single tear running down my cheek. "He was the very best part of me. He left without a trace. You guys are my only hope." I looked for their reactions.

One by one, they reanimated. Kate looked at me with so much pity it was almost tangible. "After all that you went through together, he just left you?" She asked, appalled.

I was trying not to let any more tears escape. "I knew you were the closest thing to family they had. I was hoping you would know where I could find them." I choked out. I noticed Eleazar and Tanya exchange a look. "What?"

"Bella," Tanya started. "We haven't heard from them since they left."

I felt crushed; without my permission, my hope had gone up. Now I lay in even more wreckage than before.

"Wait," Irina looked thoughtful. "I'm sure we could call them?"

I looked up, hopeful again.

Eleazar spoke with a serious tone. "They left her. They disappeared without telling her because they thought it was for her own good," he looked at me. "We would interfere with their reasons for leaving her. If they wanted her to know where they were, they would have told her. It's not our business."

His words hurt deeper than I ever thought words could; they hit close to Edward's 'I don't want you.'

"Eleazar, shame on you!" A voice from behind me scolded.

I turned to see who it was.

"Carmen, it's not our business." He repeated firmly.

"Can't you see she's suffering? You heard her story. You see her cringe at his name! I know you enough to believe you wouldn't just send her away without an inkling of hope." She replied, just as authoritative as him.

He sighed, deep in thought. Kate got up to stand with Carmen, behind me. Tanya and Irina did the same.

Eleazar smiled in defeat. "We're going to regret this, you know?"

"Oh, not as much as you think." Carmen pulled out her cell phone.

**Alice's pov**

I was bouncing in my seat next to Jasper and Carlisle. I haven't told anyone about my visions of Bella. Jasper had been trying to calm me down for the past two days. I wasn't keeping tabs on Bella; it's not like she ever did anything that I should be concerned about anyway. At first, I did watch for any suicide attempts, but she kept true to her promise. It was yesterday morning that I saw the decision to go looking for us. Bella looked horrible, but determined.

No one had ever been the same when we left her; Edward more than anyone. After a couple months of being a frozen ball in his room, he left. Jasper hated everything that had happened; he blamed himself and punished himself as he saw fit. He hung around Edward's closed door, soaking in the agony and despair. Eventually Edward left so he wouldn't hurt us, but leaving was the worst thing he could do. We felt next to nothing, the abandonment that Bella was going through too. At least we had our mates; Bella was alone in her now strictly human world. No vampires to destroy her life, as Edward so plainly put it.

The next thing I saw was her in our house, cleaning up. That's when I almost went to see her; I was worried that she was losing her mind. As she cleaned, her eyes would water slightly as if she was remembering us. She rushed through cleaning by the piano, choking back tears the whole way. I nearly cried with her if it weren't for Jasper holding me. Following that were visions after another, almost instantly. Jasper was worried about me because I was in and out of it all day yesterday. Bella would make up her mind to go to Denali after she found Carlisle's letter, but then she'd change her plans. Half the time, I don't even think she was aware of her undecided mind. Every fork in the road, brought on a new vision. It was very frustrating. I almost screamed in agony when she found out she ruined the envelope. Jasper had to work hard to contain me.

It was spring break right now so I asked Carlisle if we could spend the week in Denali. He wanted to, but Edward was due for one of his short visits to show us that he was still alive. Everyone wanted to be here when he arrived; no one knew when it would be the last time. I was about to bring up the subject again when I got another vision.

_"I was hoping you would know where I could find them." Bella's voice broke._

_Tanya and Eleazar shared a quick glance. No one noticed Carmen hovering in the background._

_"What?"_

_"Bella, we haven't heard from them since they left." Tanya confessed sadly._

_Bella looked more crushed than she had in the beginning. _Then_ she didn't have a hope, but after coming this far and coming up empty, she was broken._

_"Wait......we could call them!" Irina suggested._

I couldn't hold in the scream of joy rising in my throat. Jasper sent a wave of calm at me.

I glared at him. "Don't you **dare **ruin this moment for me, Jasper Whitlock! This is the fist time I've felt truly excited in a long time, I'd like to actually _feel_ excited."

He didn't take the calm away, but he turned it down a notch. I was about to tell them of my visions when Carlisle's phone went off. I squealed again.

He looked at me, confused, as he answered it. "Hello?"

"Carlisle! I haven't heard your voice in a long while. How long has it been?"

Carlisle's face fell slightly. "Six months since we last talked."

Carmen continued. "Well, we've decided that it's been too long. Where are you living now?"

"That sounds like a great idea. It has been so long." Jasper and I knew what he was really referring to. "How about we come up there, instead? Alice has been on me about visiting." He looked over at me.

"How soon should we expect you?"

I mouthed the words "two days." Carlisle repeated it to Carmen. She was happy to hear us coming so soon; they said goodbye and hung up.

"Alice, do you want to tell me what's going on?" Carlisle ordered in his authoritative tone.

I leaned into Jasper's side, trying to hide. "Bella's in Denali."

"**What?!**" I heard Emmett's voice boom from outside. He and Rosalie had just gotten back from hunting. He stormed into the house. "Bella? As in Edward's Bella? Blushing Bella?!"

I snaked further into Jasper. "The same. She went to our house and found Carlisle's note to Tanya, so she drove up there looking for us." I said in a rush.

Everyone in the room was silent and frozen. Emmett looked confused. "Then why are we here?! Let's go!" He turned for the door.

"Wait!" Esme called from upstairs. Everyone stared at her in utter shock. "We need to pack some clothes."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Where's Edward? Will he be coming soon?" Carlisle asked hesitantly.

I looked away from his concerned gaze into Esme's heartbroken one. "He's still in curled up in a cave somewhere. A bear was inhabiting it when Edward got there, but he just walked right in and collapsed. He hasn't eaten in weeks, but he refuses to do anything. I don't know if he'll make it much longer." I answered him sadly. We have to get him to Denali before he is lost to us forever.....

**Bella's pov**

A wave of anxiety, relief, and hunger swept over me. I felt dizzy from the lack of food. Eleazar saw me wavering and caught me before I could collapse.

"When was the last time you ate?" He asked, concerned. I couldn't remember.

"Tanya, go into town and get some food." Carmen ordered.

Tanya swept out of the room. Eleazar lifted me to the couch. I was so happy to feel his cold hands. I sighed in contentment.

"What are you thinking?" I heard Edward's voice. I jerked up, looking around.

"What?" I asked aloud.

Kate was staring at me. "I just wanted to know what was making you smile. Did I do something wrong?"

I closed my eyes against the tears. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. He used to ask me that same question," I explained quietly. "I was thinking about how nice it is to be here. Your cold bodies, hard skin, and golden eyes.....they're comforting to me." I glanced up at her when she didn't reply. She looked like she was the one on the verge of tears.

"When I see Edward again, I'm gonna rip him to shreds for all he's done to you." She vowed.

I shook my head weakly. "No, you don't understand. I love him. I just want to move on, but first I want to bury my old life. And to do that, I have to say goodbye." A single tear ran down my face. "I just want to move on and let him be happy......without me." We stayed quiet for what seemed like forever until a terrible thought came to me. "What if he knows that I'm here? What if he leaves before I can see him?" My voice was edging to hysterics.

Kate watched me panic before she answered. "Carlisle said that Alice had been on him about visiting. She must have seen you coming and has been planning a visit ever since you did. I know Alice's mind. She won't let Edward see your plan. Edward's not even with them anymore, last I heard. And knowing Alice, she won't pass up an opportunity to see the one that always made her smile, despite what Edward says."

That made me feel a little bit better. Tanya suddenly walked in with an armful of groceries. My stomach growled so loud it made Tanya and Kate jump. Kate laughed. "Quick! Give her something before she tries to eat us."

Tanya threw me an apple. "That should hold you off until I can figure out how to....cook this." She looked at the bags curiously.

I bit into the red juicy apple, enjoying every bite. I managed to choke out a thank you between chews.

-------

Carmen walked in after I finished eating all the food. She smiled at me. You ate all of it?!"

I smiled sheepishly, wiping my mouth. "I was really hungry."

Irina walked in behind Eleazar. "We weren't sure of everything you'd need, so we did the best we could." Irina said.

"We fixed a place for you in the upstairs bedroom. Carmen can show you where it is," Eleazar added.

I felt my eyes tear up again. Irina looked concerned. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "It's just that you guys welcome me like family. I've never met you before and yet it feels like home." My voice cracked. "You remind me so much of the Cullen's."

Carmen watched me with love in her eyes, just like Esme used to; Eleazar spoke to me like Carlisle did; Tanya, Kate, and Irina were all like Alice in the way of friendliness.

"Come dear, you're tired. I'll show you to your room."

I smiled at her, slightly embarrassed from all my crying they had to go through. She led me up the single grand staircase and into the first room on the right. Inside, the walls were painted a pale blue and the carpet was an off-white. I saw they brought my bag up from my truck. I turned to thank Carmen, but she was no longer there. Quietly, I changed into my sweats and laid down; exhausted from all the driving I fell into a restless slumber.

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**While I was writing this chapter, I got a whole new idea for this story. A better plot line that will lengthen this story drastically. Bare with me and it'll pay off. I promise. Thank you. Reviews are greatly appreciated.**


	5. Insanity

**Thanks for being so patient. I'm working on it constantly. Lack of sleep is the price to pay for this story so please review. Thank you.**

**Small author note: I'm changing my writing style a little. Instead of having a playlist you guyz can listen to or not, I'm placing the lyrics into the story bcuz there are some songs that say it better than my writing does. Tell me what you think.**

**(chapter written for Suzan. ;D)**

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That night, I had a different dream. I was searching for something that wasn't there. I continued running through the green forest, searching. Right at the part when I start to panic, I saw a light up ahead. It was just a small glimmer, but when I looked closer, I saw it was a clearing. Faster, I ran for the sun. My legs were getting tired from every night I'd spend running. When I got into the meadow, I saw it wasn't just any meadow.

It was _his_ meadow.

Quietly, I moved to the center of the clearing. That's when I saw him, laying in the sun with his shirt open. A slight smile played on his lips and his eyes were closed, completely content and serene.

_Well this is not your fault  
But if I'm without you  
Then I will feel so small  
And if you have to go  
Well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does._

I stepped towards him, legs shaking from exhaustion and happiness. A twig snapped and he heard me. In one quick movement, he was gone, taking the sun and magical meadow with him. But not before leaving me with a look of disgust and exasperation as if to say "I thought I already got rid of you."

_If you run away now,  
Will you come back around?  
And if you ran away,  
I'd still wave goodbye  
Watching you shine bright._

Once again, I was alone in the dark forest, crying over Edward.

I woke up sweating and panting. Tanya, Kate, and Irina were staring at me. I calmed my heart, but the images still played round and round my mind. "How long have I been asleep?" I asked to fill the silence.

"About twelve hours." Kate said. "I don't remember humans sleeping so long."

"Or screaming," Irina added.

"I was screaming?" I moaned humiliated.

"What made you scream?" Tanya asked curiously.

I closed my eyes again. "Edward."

"Well we have two days before they come," Kate exclaimed, trying to raise the black cloud from my mind; it worked. I jumped up and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

"Do you have a shower?" I asked, attempting to comb through the mess on my head.

"Yeah, c'mon. I'll show you." Tanya grabbed my hand and dragged me out the door.

I showered and brushed my hair till it was straight. I put on my blue top and jeans and looked at myself once more. I looked too much like Edward's Bella, the weak human. If I was starting fresh with a new life, then I needed a make-over.

Everyone was sitting in the living room when I came out. "I can see how Edward fell for her," Tanya whispered to Carmen. I pretended not to hear, but I felt a slight blush rising.

Eleazar smiled at me. "You must be hungry." I noticed a book in his lap titled _Healthy Living for the Human Body. _I smiled to myself. "Kate fixed you some breakfast."

Kate frowned. "I tried, anyway."

I chuckled as I walked into the kitchen. I saw Kate had fixed some pop-tarts. One was slightly burned.

"Those weren't her first tries either." I turned to face Irina. She held the lid off the trash open; there were way more than fifteen boxes in there. I smiled as I bit into my breakfast. Irina walked over to where I sat. "Bella....." she looked down at her hands, gathering her thoughts. "Bella, why did you come here?"

I swallowed my food, staring at her. "To see Edward," I answered automatically.

"But _why_? If you're just going to say goodbye to him? Why not go on with your life as it is now. Why bring him back into your life just so you can kick him out?"

I thought about my answer. "I don't know," I whispered. "I love him.....but he doesn't love me. He left me incomplete. He left with a part of me and I want that back. I can't move on without letting him know I'm okay. I want to show him that I don't hate him and that I will move on."

She stared at me unchanging. "What if you can't move on? What if this makes it worse for you and him?"

I couldn't answer; I didn't have one. She patted my hand before leaving me alone. I took another bite as I thought about all she said. Maybe she was right. Maybe I really haven't moved on. Can one ever really move on when your life has left you? Maybe I was lying to myself.

"Bella, you can't just forget about me. _I'm_ the part of you that you want back." I heard my Edward's voice. He was back.

"And why not? People change. People lose their lovers all the time, but they move on. I will, too." I told him confidently.

He scoffed. "Please, don't make me laugh!"

I stood up angrily. "I can! Just you wait." I vowed, walking out of the room.

As soon as I entered the living room, everyone turned their heads, looking off into space. I froze. _Oh no. _They heard me talking to nothing. My face turned scarlet red. I opened my mouth to explain, but no words came out. What was I supposed to say? _'I'm sorry you had to hear me argue with my hallucination.'_ As if that wouldn't send me to a crazy house!

Tanya stood up. "Why don't we go shopping for some clothes?" she suggested.

"For the new me," I agreed quickly.

Kate and Irina jumped up. "I'll get the car!" Kate yelled, zooming out of the room.

"I'll get the money!" Irina yelled, too.

I laughed as Tanya led me outside.

Kate was a fast driver. She, like all the Cullen's, had a need for speed. And her Lamborghini definitely provided the speed. Apparently, Rosalie upgraded it. I bit my lower lip at the mention of her name. Kate picked up on my discomfort of the subject and turned the stereo on instead. I didn't listen too closely because every song reminded me of Edward one way or another. I just bit my quivering lip and suffered in silence. With Kate driving like a maniac, we got to a big city in no time. She pulled into a parking garage where a man immediately jumped to her aid. Kate rolled her window down.

"Ah, the beautiful Kate has returned!" the man exclaimed with an Italian accent. "And I see you brought your sisters with you!"

"Hi Marco!" they chorused.

"Polo!" he yelled back with a rumbling laugh.

I was silent in the back seat, completely confused. Marco looked inside and saw me next to Irina. "Who is this lovely creature?" he smiled at me.

"This is Bella. She's a very close friend. Bella, this is Marco." Tanya introduced us.

"Polo," he laughed.

I giggled, "hi."

Kate looked back to Marco. "Is our spot still there?" she asked seriously.

He chuckled. "Still there? Go ahead and look. I've got it roped off and everything." he walked back to his seat by the toll booth.

Kate drove on through. We took many turns before she came to a level with a big sliding door, leading inside the mall. She kept driving towards the door without hesitation. I was too shocked to believe what she was doing. The door slid open and she drove inside a little ways. Shoppers were walking around in front of us; when they saw the shiny Lamborghini coming, they moved to the side.

Finally, Kate parked in between the red velvet ropes. All three girls got out of the car and started walking away. Tanya noticed I wasn't with them and signaled for me to follow. Slowly, I got out and looked at the car. It looked like those cars they have on display inside malls; I didn't think people actually drove them. Quickly I caught up to them.

"_That's_ your parking spot?" I asked in disbelief.

Kate giggled. "Of course, silly! You don't think I'd park that just anywhere, do you?" I kept my mouth shut and followed them inside the first store.

I'd been shopping with Alice before, but this was totally different. With Alice, I didn't have to try on clothes; she'd already see me wearing it in the future so she'd just buy it. With three girls, all in love with shopping that can't see the future, is a million times worse. I'd never complain with Alice again! That thought brought me up short. I had to control the gasps coming from me. I was getting better, for sure, but I still had to catch myself sometimes.

_I can feel you all around me  
Thickening the air I'm breathing  
Holding on to what I'm feeling  
Savoring this heart that's healing  
_

"Bella, which do you like better?" Irina held up two shirts. One blue and one purple. At first glance I thought blue, but that was the old me.

"That color blue looks lovely with your skin," Edward stood beside me, looking at the shirts.

I glared at him. "I like the purple." I told Irina, looking away from Edward.

"You can pick the purple, Bella. I think you look beautiful in anything," he smiled.

"I think you can stuff it." I bit back.

Irina looked at me with a pitiful smile. "Babe, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

I kept my eyes away from Edward's laughing figure. "I'm fine," I lied to myself.

She grinned. "You're a horrible actor."

I smiled weakly. "I'll _be_ fine." I corrected.

She nodded, putting the blue shirt up. "Just be careful who you talk to in public." She chuckled, walking right through Edward.

I looked back at my hallucination. "You're making it difficult to forget you," I stated, following after Irina. I had to hold myself up. Every time he showed himself, the hole in my chest throbbed. As annoying as he was being, I still loved him. The hallucinations didn't make me crazy, no, it was the feelings that they conjured that labeled me insane.

"I think you can stuff it!" Emmett mimicked beside me.

I jumped at his sudden outburst; groaning when he continued to copy me. "Go away," I mumbled.

"Go away," he repeated.

_This fire rising through my being  
Burning I'm not used to seeing you  
I'm alive, I'm alive_

I started walking faster, but he followed, shaking his hip over-dramatically like a girl.

"What the fuck do you fucking want with me you fucking---" I turned around. "Alice?!"

She stood twenty paces back, frowning. "I didn't realize you gained a mouth on you." Her mouth was twisted down.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head. "Leave me alone," I whispered, holding my head. "Just leave me alone." Tears started falling.

_And so I cry  
The light is white  
And I see you  
_

"Bella?" Nine voices called to me simultaneously. I fell to the ground, holding my head. Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" I screamed repeatedly.

Cold hands wrapped around me protectively. "Bella, are you okay? What's wrong?!" I recognized Tanya's hysteric voice among the others.

"I want them to leave me alone!" I cried.

"Who Bella? Who's bothering you?" Kate asked furiously, ready to zap the next person to look at me wrong.

"The voices," I choked before blacking out.

_Take my hand  
I give it to you  
Now you own me  
All I am  
You said you would never leave me  
I believe you  
I believed_

_I'm alive, I'm alive_

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_**Now I know Edward is acting OOC, but that's how Bella's mind is projecting him (and his family). If he's annoying, it's easier to let him go. Kinda like making him look bad so she doesn't want him. Understand?**

**Anyway, review?**


	6. Painfully Real Hallucinations

**I forgot to mention that the two songs I used in the last chapter were:  
_Brighter _by Paramore and _All Around Me _by Flyleaf.**

**Sorry guys, no good songs to put in this chapter. But there will be in the next.**

**I love it when Bella goes crazy! (O_~)**

**Enjoy and review!**

**(Tiny author note at the end. Please read.)**

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"Is she okay?"

"You can't even keep her safe for a day!"

"Why isn't she waking up?"

"We had a lot to work with!"

"We didn't even go that fast!"

"Dear, what's wrong with her?"

"Yeah, she probably went through worse with Alice!"

"She's just exhausted and probably in shock."

"Hey, I resent that!"

"Is she alive?"

"Shh! She'll open her eyes in three...two...one..."

Slowly I opened my eyes to eleven faces watching me. I saw Tanya and Kate and Irina and Carmen and Eleazar.....and the Cullen's. I closed my eyes again. "Ugh..."

"Bella, what's wrong?" Carmen asked at the same time as my Esme hallucination.

"They're getting worse. Everywhere I turn, I see Emmett mocking me or Alice scolding or Ed---...but now they're all here. Everywhere I go!" I groaned.

"Is that who you've been talking to?" Irina asked.

I only nodded, eyes remaining closed.

"Would you rather we leave?" Alice asked in a hurt tone.

"Of course not! She came all this way to see you guys. She just needs a minute." Tanya told her.

My eyes flew open. "You heard her, too?"

Everyone looked at me in confusion. "Yes...? They are really here." Kate told me slowly. Emmett started laughing loudly. I glared at him as I stood up. "They aren't your imagination, Bells," Kate continued. Emmett still laughed.

"If they're not my hallucinations...then I wouldn't be able to do this!" I pulled my fist back and punched Emmett in the jaw. It hurt, bad. I gasped, cradling my hand. "Oh my god, you're really here!" I hugged him around the waist, crying.

"Whoa, Bella. Easy on his shirt," Alice laughed.

I turned around and hugged her, too. "Alice! Oh Alice, I can't believe you're actually here!"

Emmett pulled me back into his arms, lifting me off the ground and spinning. "I knew we'd see each other again!" I couldn't answer; I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care.

"Emmett, you have to share," Alice complained.

He put me down and Esme grabbed me next, hugging me gently. "Esme, I've missed you," I whispered, silent tears falling. I wiped my eyes so I could see better. Rosalie was farthest back, next to Jasper. I couldn't believe what happened next. Jasper came forward and stuck his hand out. I shook it slowly, too shocked to really react.

"Bella, I am so sorry about my actions at your birthday party."

I shook my head stubbornly. "Please, don't mention it again. I forgave you a long time ago." I stepped back two paces. "And please don't make yourself uncomfortable. That's the last thing I want for you." He smiled in gratitude.

I looked towards Rosalie who then, in turn, hugged me. "I, too, am sorry, Bella, for everything. I might not seem too friendly towards you, but you're who Edward wants...so I'm sorry."

I felt my mouth drop as I gaped at her sincere smile. Then Carlisle spoke. "Hello Bella, how have you been?"

Tanya answered for me. "Not well at all. You should have seen the wreck Edward left behind. I have a question or two for him. Where is he?"

Everyone looked away in different directions, no one making eye contact. "He is no longer with us. He hasn't been for months," Esme finally answered, heartbroken.

My legs gave way under me; Emmett caught me before I hit the ground. "Don't worry. Alice said he'll be here in a couple days. I left a note telling him where we are."

Alice nodded in confirmation. "Five days to be exact."

"So I have five days before I never see you again," I spoke no louder than a whisper.

Everyone except the Denali clan looked confused. "Why do you say that?" Esme asked horrified.

"Once I see Edward again, I'm gone. I know he doesn't want me, but I had to see him one last time." Tanya and Kate walked over to comfort me. I've grown really attached to them in such a short amount of time; they were like sisters to me.

Rosalie laughed. "Puh-lease! The last thing he wants is to be away from you! You should really see him, Bella. He's worse than you. The idiot complains of being masochistic when he's near you, but then he tortures himself by leaving you."

Irina rolled her eyes. "I find that hard to believe."

I was still frozen with her words playing in my mind. _He wants you. He wants you._

"So it was a lie?" Tanya asked my unspoken question.

Jasper was the one to speak. "He'd already been second guessing his decision to stay with you _before _your birthday, but my stupid actions made him decide. He saw he was putting you in danger for his selfish reasons.....so he left. Trust me, Bella. He is miserable without you, but he refuses to hurt you. Of course, now I see it had the opposite affect he wanted." Jasper gestured to me.

Kate squeezed my arms. "See? As soon as he sees you, he'll stay!"

I refused to believe it. I was safer believing Edward's lie. "It won't change anything. I'll still be human and in his eyes I'll still be in danger."

Irina inched closer to me. "You know Bella, you don't have to be human," she said, raising her eyebrows as a grin spread across her face.

I refused to let myself hope. It hurt too much. The hate and emptiness was my only security blanket now. "Don't have to be human," I played with the words on my tongue. When he left, the life I chose left, too. Now I had a chance to change that; I could be a vampire. I could live with Tanya, Kate, and Irina for the rest of eternity. I could live with Edward. My heart skipped a beat at that thought, but I wouldn't do it. Edward wouldn't like it. The image of my dream when he flashed me a look of disgust, crossed my mind. He didn't want me. He was happy with just himself. His family wasn't there in the woods when he told me that he didn't want me. His family probably saw him feeling guilty about dumping me that way; he didn't really want me.....he told me so. I started to tell them no when the words I spoke back in Forks played in my mind. _I'm tired of being selfish. I'm not doing this for Edward. I'm doing it for me._

Alice squealed, hugging me. "I get my sister back! I can't wait for you to move in!"

I stared at her, uncomprehending. Irina understood my hesitation. "You're like our sister, too," she whispered softly.

Alice grew quiet and solemn, yet hopeful. I had to make a choice. The Cullen's, at first, were my only future...thanks to Edward. Edward didn't want me so I wasn't going to invade his home just because his family did. On the other hand, Tanya's family loved me like a sister. Not because I dated a family member, but because they really liked me.

Alice stepped away from me. "Don't you like us?" She whimpered. "You know we moved away to help you! Not because we hate you!" Her words flew out in a rush.

I hugged her close to my body. "No, Alice, can't you see? I'm the ex-girlfriend. You can look at it any way you want, but it's as simple as that. I'm the annoying ex-girlfriend that hovers around hoping for a mind change." I tried to explain it to her so she would understand. "I need a fresh start. That's why I came here. A fresh start. A new beginning." I could tell my words hurt all of them.

Jasper nodded in agreement. "She's right, Alice. She does love us, but she needs to do this." I silently thanked him for understanding.

"Hey, that doesn't mean we can't still be friends," I tried to cheer her up.

She smiled. "Yeah, I guess. I just wish you would believe us about Edward. He loves you, Bella. He never stopped."

I nodded without really listening. I didn't want to hear the words that would start a cycle of false hope. I was safe in my emptiness. Carmen squeezed my shoulders in comfort.

Emmett sighed. "I want to start anew, too. Eleazar, may I live with you?"

We laughed, lifting the dark cloud. "Why?"

His face brightened. "You guys obviously don't know Bella that well. She keeps life entertaining! I don't know how we were so happy before she came into our lives. If she stays with you, then so do I."

I shook my head in disbelief. It was just like old times...the feeling, anyway. "So when do you want to do this?" I asked Carlisle.

He shrugged with a worried look on his face. "Are you sure you want to do this, Bella? This isn't something you can get a refund on. This is for life," he gave me a crucial look.

I took his question as seriously as he meant it. Slowly, I gave my condemning nod. "This is what I want, Carlisle."

He sighed, his brow furrowing. "Eleazar, is there someplace we can do this?"

"Her bedroom is as good as any."

No one seemed as happy as they were a moment ago. No one wanted this life for another, but they all respected my wishes...unlike one person I knew. Carlisle took me to my room. From an outsiders view, it was a horror movie set-up. The head vampire taking the helpless human girl to change her into an undead monster.

I laid down, trying to calm my breath. "Are you ready?" He asked in his gentle, professional tone.

I started to nod when I suddenly remembered Charlie. "Wait! I promised to call Charlie." It sounded insignificant, but to me it was important. Carlisle left to give me a moment as I pulled my phone out. Charlie answered on the first ring.

"Bella?"

"Yeah, Dad, it's me."

"Where are you? Are you okay?"

"I..." I had to tell him the truth, as much as I could. "I'm in Alaska, Dad. I'm fine. I'm living with a nice family that took me in."

He was silent for a long time, processing the information. "You're not coming home...are you?"

I took in a deep, shaky breath. "No, I'm not. I just wanted to say goodbye."

"Are you happy, Bella?"

Tears were filling my eyes, threatening to brim over. "Yeah Dad, I really am. For the first time in a long time, I really think I'll be okay. I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, Isabella."

I hung up, blinking rapidly, forcing the tears away. Carlisle came back in, silently. "I'm ready," I said confidently. Closing my eyes, I prepared for pain.

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**Author note!: Now I know I have fans that love this particular story *Suzan ;)* but I'm not enjoying it that much. Don't get me wrong, I love this story, but I'm hardly getting any reviews for it. I have a new story I want to start posting called Glass of Water (summary on profile). In fact, I'm working on the _SEQUAL_ to that story now because I loved the first so much. If I don't get more reviews, I'll stop this story and write something _I_ want to write. Show me that you want this story to continue. Please?**


	7. The Pain of Recognition

**Ok so I decided to continue with this story, but I'll also be doing my other stories that I want to do. Please read them once I post it. ^_^**

**Songs in this chapter:  
The Truth by Relient K  
Curl Up and Die by Relient K  
Fidelity by Regina Spektor  
More Than Useless by Relient K  
I'm in Love with You by Imogen Heap**

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The Pain of Recognition

The pain came slow and steady at first. I thought about screaming out multiple times, but it wasn't like I never felt pain before. When James bit me back in Phoenix, I got a taste of this feeling. I screamed out then, but not now. Now I merely bit my tongue, waiting for it to stop. The pain of the past seven months was honestly worse. Not as physical as this pain, more of a mental one. As I laid there waiting for immortality, I debated the worse pain. Falling apart at the seams verses being burned from the inside out. At the moment, burning seemed to be winning, but as it slowly dulled and the memory of holding myself together with only the slightest nudge became the stronger pain. I continued to fight with myself over what Alice and the others said about Edward. If he still loved me, he'd be here. He'd have never left to chase after distractions. If he still loved me, I'd be holding his hand through this pain instead of Carlisle's. Alice was lying. She had to be...

_This is so unnerving  
I know you've never lied to me before  
But the things you're telling me  
I can't yet believe  
Yet can't ignore_

After Carlisle bit me, he stayed by my side, rarely leaving. He apologized for the pain he knew I was feeling. He told me it was okay to scream if I wanted to. When I would remain silent, he'd continue with how everyone had been since Forks. That conversation didn't last long considering everyone was too depressed to really do anything worth talking about. Alice sat with Carlisle on occasion. She'd beg me to come live with them and Edward. I couldn't hear much of that. I could only take so much of one pain at a time. Jasper recognized when I wanted her to stop, he'd take her away after a while.

_Clinging to the remnants of perfection  
Like most do after they break it  
Not knowing which directions the correct one  
Do I discard or remake it_

Even Tanya came in once. She never said anything; she didn't have to. We both shared a bond. She and I both had unrequited love for Edward. She hated it worse for me because I had returned affections from him that were lost.

_Cause if I don't know then I don't know  
But I may know someone that knows me more than I  
And if I somehow could rest this soul  
Maybe control could find its way back to my life_

Whoever said 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' should shut up. When Edward first left, I felt selfish. I got an entire summer of sheer happiness. Only, it didn't feel like a summer. Time ceased to exist with the Cullen's. They never rushed anywhere; always taking their time. People these days sped through life, never stopping to see where they were yesterday or how they got there.

_I don't mind  
But I'm not surprised to find that you do  
I'm not surprised to find that you do  
I know you do_

But with the Cullen's, it was never looking ahead (with the exception of Alice). Maybe that's why I -in all manner of speaking- died when Edward left. I saw a future together. I saw us still happily in love tomorrow, but with Edward, there was no tomorrow; only now and then. He had the rest of eternity to look for tomorrow. At the time, I didn't. I only had a summer. A ticking clock. A winged chariot...waiting for me.

_I feel fine  
But I know the same does not apply to you  
I know the same does not apply to you  
So I guess that I'll curl up and die, too._

After I grew with the pain of abandonment, I realized I'd be happier if I stayed away like he warned. "I'm dangerous," he'd say. "I'm no good for you," he'd repeat the same thing over and over. "What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy?" He _was _the bad guy, but not on purpose. he stole my heart, but I gave him permission. He invaded my mind, but I opened the door for him.

_Suppose I never ever met you  
Suppose we never fell in love  
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft_

My soul was the one thing he'd play hero with. The one thing I practically threw at him, and suddenly he's the good guy with morals. If I'd never talked to him, I'd still be Isabella Swan, miserable in Forks.

_Suppose I never ever saw you  
Suppose we never ever called  
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall_

Miserable in Forks, such simple and trifle miseries. The rain, my mother, my school grades, my truck. Now look where I was. Surrounded by vampires, contemplating my worse pains.

_All my friends say that of course its gonna get better  
Gonna get better_

All because of a boy. That's how it always started though. A boy. Every love story, every romance that didn't make it, was because of a boy. I can't say it's all the boy's fault. In fact, it rarely is. Edward was perfect...it was me that failed. So as the fire abandoned my fingers and toes, I vowed it would not be me that fails next time. I will be strong and perfect.

_I hear in my mind all of these voices  
I hear in my mind all of these words  
and it breaks my heart_

Eventually my heart stopped and I opened my eyes to a new world. Everyone was standing around me, waiting. I stood up and walked over to Carlisle. "Thank you" was the only thing I could say. Alice was bouncing with excitement. I smiled at her happily. Everything was silent, even with my new hearing. Nothing made a sound; no birds or breathing or anything.

Against Jasper's wishes, Alice ran towards me. "Bella!" I hugged her back. "Ow, Bella, that hurts," she laughed.

I stepped quickly away, apology written across my smile. "Sorry."

"Welcome to the family," Eleazar said to me warmly.

Esme was in the very back of the room, away from the family. I pushed through everyone to stand beside her. "Esme?" I spoke softly. She looked up as I hugged her gently. "I love you, Esme. You'll always be that mother to me."

She smiled. "I love you too, dear. It warms my heart to hear you say that."

I only smiled. I couldn't really agree with her on the heart topic. It felt like there wasn't one anymore. Maybe Edward had been right about the no soul...

My first hunting trip. Everyone wanted to go, but we couldn't _all_go. I didn't care who went as long as long as we went soon. The thirst was almost unbearable.

"How about rock, paper, scissors?" Emmett suggested.

"Eleven ways?" Rosalie rolled her eys. "You know what, I'll go with her another time." Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Eleazar, and Carmen agreed with her.

"It's down to Tanya and her sisters, Alice and me," Emmett commentated.

"C'mon guys! This is so stupid! She'll be living with you! Can't I have this one trip?" Alice whined.

Tanya and the girl's surrendered.

"Okay! Rock, paper, scissors, Alice. Bring it." Emmett got into a fighting stance, his expression as serious as Jasper's always was. They raised their fists into the air ready to play when Emmett stood erect. "Hold it. You'll cheat. Bella, play for Alice."

Rolling my eyes impatiently, I did as he said. I had a rock, he had paper.

"Haha! Paper beats rock!" Emmett danced around.

"That's not fair! So what, paper magically destroys rock?!" Alice was yelling.

Emmett had his arms crossed with a smug look. "Yes."

Alice grabbed the newspaper from Eleazar and shoved it in Emmett's face. "Why aren't you dying?" she questioned fiercely.

I groaned, grabbing Emmett's arm. "Ugh, let's go." I easily dragged him out of the house. Once we were away from town, I stopped. "So what do I do?" I asked blankly.

Emmett frowned. "You...hunt."

I rolled my eyes. "I know that, but _how_?"

Emmett shrugged. "I dunno, instincts. Don't think, just do." And with that, he ran.

I sighed. Okay, don't think about it, just do it. I held still, smelling and tasting the air with my new senses. After a few seconds, I smelled something delicious. Not absolute heaven, but close enough.

Let the hunt begin.

I took off full speed towards the smell. In about three seconds, I saw what it was. Mountain Lion. It looked preoccupied with something, so I climbed the tree above it. His scent filled my lungs causing venom to pool in my mouth. The lion was crouched in a hunting position, looking towards the bushes. With a snarl, I jumped, landing on top of it. At that same moment, another creature jumped towards the lion. It grabbed onto the limp animal in my arms, too. I growled at the same time it did, almost mimicking my movements perfectly. Then I realized, not it...._he._

_"So," I said after a moment, finally meeting his now-anxious gaze. "What's your favorite?"  
He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval. "Mountain Lion."_

I gasped, dropping the lion; so did he.

"Bella?" he gasped.

_Whats the purpose? It feels worthless  
So unwanted like I've lost all my value  
I can't find it, not in the least bit  
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you_

I backed away, unable to find my voice. Before he could say anything more, I ran. I wasn't ready for this yet. I wasn't ready to face him.

"Bella!"

I didn't stop running. My new strength allowed me to outrun him. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and ran smack into Emmett.

"Damn girl! Don't tell me you're afraid of the animal!" He started laughing loudly.

"Not the animal...," his voice came from the thick trees. "...me."

"Edward!" Emmett welcomed.

I almost started running again, but his eyes held mine; trapping me. "Bella...." Edward walked towards me.

I half-hid behind Emmett's burly arm. "We weren't expecting you for a couple more days," Emmett tried to ease the awkwardness.

"Yeah, I uh made a side trip to Forks." He never looked away from me, continuing forward slowly.

"We don't live in Forks anymore. You know that," his voice was accusatory at the end.

"Emmett, why don't you go back to Denali," Edward told him.

I grabbed Emmett's arm. "Yeah, let's go. I'll hunt later, Emmett. I suddenly lost my appetite." Edward tried to stop me, but one look from me restrained him.

_I not in love with you  
I'm not in love with you, baby  
I'm not in love with you, yeah_

We walked away from his frozen body.

_Not any more.  
Not any more.  
Not any more.  
Not any more._

**I'm sorry if you think this chapter was short for such a long wait. The next chapter is very good. You'll be excited and possibly shocked. Anyway, leave comments and let me know if it's any good. Much appreciated!**


	8. Be My Escape

**You'll never guess what! A girl in Germany, Judy91, is translating this story! So that's good news for you guys bcuz now I'm more committed to it than ever. Be happy. ^_^**

**I'm not going to apologize about the shortness of this chapter. I want to start it with Edward coming. Don't worry, the long chapter will be posted soon. I just wanted this out of the way first.**

**On another note: Edward kind of has his own version of this story and I was wanting to know if you guys want me to write his pov _after _this story is completed or during or even if at all. Leave your answer in a review. Thanks!**

**Song I use in this chapter:  
Be My Escape by Reliant K**

* * *

Thankfully Emmett stayed silent for once in his existence. I didn't talk, didn't think; I only ran. The thirst was pushed to the very back of my mind, no longer bothering me. I was wanting to scream at myself to go back and face him. This wasn't how I imagined we would meet though. After seven months ago when he left me in the woods, I'm leaving him now. I needed my shield again. I needed Tanya.

_I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so  
You won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate  
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption  
because I know to live you must give your life away_

Alice was the first to greet us. "Bella, did you...?"

I gave her one quick nod and continued into the house. I ran straight for Tanya. "He's here," I mumbled into her hair. "What do I do?"

Tanya grabbed me by the shoulders. "Bella, this is what you wanted, remember? Let him come so you can let him go."

"Yeah, we'll be with you," Kate encouraged.

_And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and  
I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key  
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me_

I nodded, taking deep calming breaths. I ran through my brain, reminding myself of why I was doing this. I was doing this for me. I was releasing the hold he had on me. The hold that would strangle me, choking me, it wouldn't let me breathe. _He_ wouldn't let me breathe.

_And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because  
I gotta get outta here  
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake  
I gotta get outta here  
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape._

Now I was cutting it off. I was going to breathe better after this, I would be able to move on happily, but first I had to go through this. I can let him go. If he did it so easily then so can I. I know I can do as long as I had my new family with me. Tanya was my reality, my ground I kept my feet firmly planted on. Edward was like the sky or a river, constantly flowing somewhere else, untrustworthy. As long as I had her by me, I could let Edward go.

_I'm giving up on doing this alone now  
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how  
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there_

I didn't how I was going to explain the new vampire body. That was the one thing he refused to give me and suddenly I have it. But this wasn't about what he thought. He made his choice and I made mine. We were two separate entities now. There no longer was a "we", it was just "Edward" and "Bella".

We heard a knock on the door, ruining all thoughts of strength and decision. He was here for me and I was waiting. Always waiting.

_I fought You for so long  
I should have let You in  
Oh how we regret those things we do  
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin  
But so were You  
So were You_


	9. The Tree it Came From

**This has got to be my favorite chapter so far. I hope you guys like it. Warning: if you don't like the ending to this chapter, stop reading. Thank you. **

**Parts in this chapter were taken (with permission) from JasperSAYSrelax128 (but we had a little fight so now I'm not too sure...)**

**I admit that I'm growing lazy with this story so the lyrics are going to stop. Sorry. I want to continue them, but I had certain songs when I was writing them and now I can't remember.**

* * *

_We heard a knock on the door, ruining all thoughts of strength and decision. He was here for me and I was waiting. Always waiting._

What's a New Leaf if You Forget the Tree it Came From?

The calming breaths I was taking were ruined as soon as Eleazar opened the door to Edward. There he stood in the doorway looking like a fallen angel, more beautiful than I ever imagined. All the Cullen's moved to the side of the room. Tanya, Kate, and Irina stood protectively in front of me. Nobody spoke. Nobody breathed. Nobody moved. It was like everything happened in slow motion. Edward took one step after another towards where I stood with my new family. I felt a connection to him, like he held my missing piece and the closer he got, the more complete I felt. It was like he really did have my heart all along.

Edward didn't stop until he was three paces in front of me. Suddenly, Irina stepped forward and slapped him. "I deserved that," he muttered, rubbing his jaw.

"You deserve far worse than that!" she snapped.

"Irina, please step aside," he asked in a strained voice.

I saw Kate's fingers twitch, dying to electrocute him. Tanya placed a hand on both of the girls' shoulders. They parted, exposing me to the black intensity of his gaze.

"Bella, what...what happened to you?"

I willed myself to look away, focusing on a lamp in the corner. "I...grew up, Edward. I left home and my old life behind...and everyone in it." Tanya squeezed my hand.

Edward remained silent; I counted to a hundred, twice. Finally I looked up. The pain in his eyes were almost too much to bare. "So you moved on...after I left," he stated emptily.

"Not so moved on as...died, really. I became an empty shell of what I once was." The pain in his eyes only deepened; I had to look away. "Stop looking at me like that!" I cried.

Kate moved towards him, but Tanya held her back.

I took a deep breath, trying to control the emotions on my face. "I'm living here now, Edward. I started over. Turned over a new leaf," I continued quietly, thoughtfully.

"This isn't a leaf! It's your life we're talking about!" He yelled showing anger to cover the pain.

"Don't you _dare_ raise your voice at me, Edward Cullen!" I snapped back. "I'm tired of you dictating my life. It was my decision! You lost your chance at an argument the day you left. You don't want me," I quoted gravely.

Everyone was silent. No one had been there when Edward left me in the woods, but they knew I was addressing it now.

"Bella..." Edward finally broke the silence.

I turned towards him as all the emotions I had shoved away came spilling into my eyes. In the corner of my eye, I noticed Jasper gripping his chest.

"We need to talk," he said.

I didn't say anything. I just stood there, frozen, waiting for the second time my heart would break. "Bella," he started again, watching my eyes. "I never wanted to leave. It killed me to say those words to you. I lied to you, Bella. I lied to try and keep you safe. I didn't want you hurt because of what we are..."

I cut him off, but still managed a calm voice. "But I _was_ hurt because of what you are...family. I was hurt when my family deserted me. You may have tried to protect my life, but what was there to live for? Don't you see? _You_ were my life. When that one thing in your life disappears, you change. Some move on, some commit suicide, others become an empty shell scarred for life. Me, I was the empty shell. When I was reminded of you, I realized I was forgetting. Every touch, every look, every word was blurring into a dream. A place you visit even when you don't want to. An easily triggered gun set to blow a hole through your chest at the slightest drop of a hat. I couldn't live like that anymore...I wouldn't." I concluded.

Once I started it was like I couldn't stop. I was telling him everything. It was like no one else was in the room. Just Edward and me. Each trying to decipher the others mind, but no longer on the same wavelength.

"Bella...I love you," Edward blurted. His eyes almost seemed at peace from saying those words, but mine were far from that.

I held his gaze calmly. "It was nice to see you again, Edward." I responded, walking away. Tanya, Kate, and Irina followed silently.

Once I reached my bedroom, I collapsed. "Bella, I am so proud of you," Kate said, patting my knee. "And Irina, when you slapped him...whoa."

Tanya wrapped her arms around me. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

I bit my bottom lip and nodded. "Yeah, I'm better, thank you." I hugged them all.

"So where do we go from here?" Irina asked, looking towards the door. "He's obviously not leaving."

I sighed. "When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know."

**Edward's pov**

"It was nice to see you again, Edward," Bella said.

I felt my finally restored heart break as she walked away. I had stabbed myself in the heart when I left her and she only turned the knife with every word she said.

_She's just not sure how to react, Edward. Don't worry, she'll come back. _Alice reassured me.

"Empty promises," I muttered, running out the door.

"Edward, please don't give up!" Esme begged.

I turned around, still walking backwards. "Give up? Never!" I smiled for the first time in seven months.

* * *

**I know it was short. I can't remember if I promised a long chapter or not, but sorry. When I see a good ending, I stop. Hope you liked it anyway! Hold the flames or if you can't make them REALLY angry so I can laugh. Thanks!**


	10. I Went Back

I Went Back

From the sound of it, Edward was no longer here. Just in case, I peeked around the corner.

"He's not here," Rosalie said, flipping through a magazine.

I sighed, walking all the way into the room. "Where is everyone?" Only Rosalie and Jasper were in the room.

"Carlisle and Eleazar went out, and all the girls went shopping."

"Emmett?" I questioned.

"Tracking down the bear he almost had earlier," Jasper answered.

"Shopping? Why aren't you with them?" She placed her magazine down and patted the cushion next to her. "Jazz, get out." Rosalie ordered. He started to object. "Got out," she snapped.

He got up, shoving his hands in his pockets, and slowly left the room. Cautiously I sat down.

"Bella, what happened back there with Edward?"

I rolled my eyes. "What were you expecting? Some happy ending?" I smirked. "Edward walks to Bella after months of separation. He declares his passionate love for her and she jumps into his arms, living happily ever after," I gagged. "I told him the truth. There was never a moment when I said otherwise. I never lied to him. Did he expect to come back to the old Bella?"

Rosalie showed no interest in what I was saying. "Bella, he made a stupid, _stupid, _mistake, but he did it to protect you. It's not like he just walked away and forgot. There was never a moment when he stopped thinking about you. You probably think he saw you as another passing distraction, right?"

I remained silent. Of course that what I thought. When your reason for living tells you he no longer wants you, are you supposed to naturally assume he's lying? "Rose, there's no need for this talk. I said my part and he said his. Accept it," I said walking away for the second time.

"He went back, you know." Rosalie called after me.

I turned slowly. "What do you mean he went back?"

She grabbed her magazine and started flipping through it again. "He didn't forget about you," she repeated walking out of the room.

He went back.

_"Yeah, I uh made a side trip to Forks."_

He came back for me and I wasn't there. He came back.

**Edward's POV**

Everything I told Bella about me not having a soul and that my heart had stopped beating was false, and I knew it. My heart _had _stopped beating back in 1918, but then I met Bella and it felt like I was alive again. When I told her goodbye, it stopped. Not like the first time though, this felt like my heart didn't even exist. Suddenly I see her here and it's back! I could breathe again without realizing I was suffocating. I saw my future again, not realizing it was missing. When she was gone, I couldn't see any farther than the step I just took. Of course, my heart died a third time when she walked away. She no longer trusted me. She's right, I lost her when I left. I hadn't planned on going back, but then again, I didn't plan anything anymore.

_flashback_

I'm only checking on her. If she's as miserable as I am, I'll come back. If she moved on like I intended, then I'll leave without a trace. The old white mansion came into view as I got closer. I followed the overgrown driveway in. When I got to the front door, I could smell Bella's scent everywhere. She'd been here recently.

I pulled my keys out to unlock the door, but it was opened already. I let it swing open on its hinges. Everything was...clean. Last time we were here was Bella's birthday. Now there was no trace of a party. Maybe Esme came back to clean it while I was gone, but I knew that wasn't who did it. I stepped into the room and closed the door. This house was filled with so many memories of Bella. I could see her sitting by the piano while I played her lullaby or playing chess with Emmett in the corner. So many bitter-sweet memories.

I looked around the room to see if she left anything behind. I didn't see anything out of place. I moved to the kitchen next. There was an empty can of food in the trash and a bowl in the sink. Bella came to our house, cleaned it and ate here? I used to worry about her mentality, but this reached an all-time high. Did she lose her mind? Was she coming here hoping we'd return? Oh god, what have I done?

I followed her intoxicating scent up to my room. Bella had taken one of my coats and laid on my couch. I pushed play on my cd player and sat down. The intricate melody of Claire de Lune played. The memories flowing through me with each note was almost too much to bare. How could I have left her? I did it to protect her, but what was I protecting her from?

Once the song ended, I made my way back downstairs. I headed for the door when something caught my eye. I turned back towards the couch. On it was an old rose. Its petals scattered across the floor and couch. Why would she clean the house yet crumple the flower? I picked up the remains and stuffed them into my pocket before heading to Bella's house.

Charlie was getting ready to leave for work when I got there. I decided sneaking around wouldn't be the best way to get answers. I parked my Volvo in front of the house where Bella's truck usually was. Before I could figure out where she was, Charlie came out. He looked rough. When he saw me, his heart started to race and his face grew purple.

No running now.

I got out of my car and walked towards him. "Hello Charlie," I greeted politely, hand extended.

"That's Chief Swan to you," he snapped, arms tucked firmly across his chest. "Why the hell are you here?" _I wonder if I can arrest him for trespassing..._

"I'm sorry Chief Swan, I came to see Bella."

Charlie's eyes widened in fear. "S-she's not here." _And you better not be if she comes back!_

"Do you know when she's coming back?" I pleased.

Charlie remained silent. _She's not coming back, all thanks to you._

"Did she go to Florida to live with her mother?" I probed, looking for answers.

He didn't speak. _If I told him yes would he try going there? By the looks of him, yes he would. _"I don't know where she went..." he finally answered, sounding like he regretted letting her leave.

I groaned. "How's she been...since I left?"

"She's been great," he answered too quickly. The images in his mind made us both cringe. I had to work hard not to collapse into a ball in front of him.

"Charlie, I'm really sorry for what I did. I can't even tell you how mu---"

"I can't tell you how much I'm controlling myself." _If you were older I'd have killed you by now. _"Edward, I want you to leave. Don't you ever come back. You understand?" He threatened.

I backed away. "Yes sir." I replied walking back to my car.

_end flashback_

I was coming to Denali to say goodbye to my family. I at least owed them that. I had found a note from Emmett at our most recent residence telling me they were here for Spring Break. They came here because Bella was here. I wonder if that was pre-vampire. Bella was brand new so they had to have been here during her transformation.

I slammed my fist into the tree I was leaning against. It crashed to the ground with a groan. I had to gain Bella's trust back, if anything else. My first step was to gain her trust, then her heart.

I had to.....but how?


	11. Flowers in the Wind

**I'm sorry. I can't stress that enough. A fan wrote to me so I'm writing to her. Thank you to the readers I have left. :)**

I finally went hunting. I tracked down another mountain lion, but then I had to get an elk. They weren't nearly as good as the lion, for sure. At least it quenched the thirst enough. When I got back to the house, the girls were there. I figured out why Rosalie hadn't gone with them. They were shopping for my room. According to them, since I was moving into their house, I needed an actual bedroom. Of course, Alice had the final word. I hadn't seen it yet. Kate was leading me blindly towards the room.

"Can I open my eyes _now_?" I whined.

"Nuh-uh not yet!" She laughed.

I groaned impatiently.

"Okayyyy...NOW!" She lifted her hands.

Alice, Irina, and Tanya were standing in the middle of the room, smiling. "Welcome home!" Tanya yelled.

I laughed, marveling at the room. "Wow guys, this is...amazing. Thank you." The main color was purple. Different shades of it and accented with black. There was a black leather couch in one corner and a stereo in the other. It reminded me of Edward's room turned girly. A rich purple rug laid in the middle of the room, there were also lavender paper lanterns lined around the walls, and a black desk was opposite the door. All in all, it was farely dark. It seemed to match my new self.

"I love it," I whispered, running my fingers along the cool desk.

Carmen and Esme walked towards me; I didn't notice then enter. "We're glad you like it. Tanya and Irina decided on the colors," Carmen said while hugging me.

"And Kate and Alice arranged the room," Esme added.

I hugged them all. "Thank you so much. Now I feel like I really belong. This is great."

"Wooooooowwww!" Emmett walked in with his mouth open. "I can't believe you guys already made my room! I feel so loved!" We rolled our eyes at him. "Hey Jazz! Guess what?" He ran out of the room.

Alice stepped up. "As bad as I wish you'd live with me, I'm happy you're happy. I'll visit often?"

I hugged her. "Thank you, Alice."

She started bouncing again. "Get settled, shopping for clothes tomorrow!" She left before I could object.

I groaned, falling onto the couch. Everyone left except for Tanya. She closed the door and sat down across from me. "Do you really like it?"

I smiled. "I love it. It's perfect in every way."

She chuckled. "Alice, I think tried to remind you of-"

"Of Edward's room, I know. She did well, but that doesn't change my mind," I told her.

She smiled. "That's a relief. I was worried you'd want to change your mind and move in with them," she admitted.

"Tanya, I love them like a family. They _were _my family, but now my place is here with you guys." I hugged her tightly.

"We love you too, Bells."

"Wanna know someone else who apparently loves you?" Kate was standing in the doorway, holding a dozen daisies.

I stood up and took the flowers. "I'll go out on a limb here and say...Edward?" She handed me a little card.

"Geez, how cliche could he get?" Tanya laughed.

I opened the card and read aloud. "My darling love,"

"Oh boy..."

I smiled at Irina and continued. "I love you more than I can say, despite what you may believe. I vow to gain your love again. These are only the beginning." I looked down at the yellow flowers again. No one said anything, waiting for my reaction first. Daisies. They looked too perfect they had to be store bought. I walked to my giant window and threw them out, letting the wind catch them. I turned back to Tanya, Kate, and Irina. "That felt good," I stated walking out of the room.

**Edward's Point of View**

My first attempt. Lousy to the extreme, I know. I didn't think it'd actually work, but that didn't stop me from picking wild daisies and trimming them until perfect. I decided to start small and work my way up. Up to what, I wasn't sure yet, but I'll think of something. Tanya and her sisters were not helping in the least bit. As soon as Bella's wall would weaken, they'd be there with their comments.

I watched from a distance as the daisies took flight. One blew towards me, lazily floating as if to taunt me. With a quick hand, I crushed the flower petals.

Flowers and cards were not effective. What next? Chocolates were out. A mountain lion with a ribbon on it? Be serious. I was clueless in this department. I needed someone with a lot of experience in apologies. Someone that knew how to get even on the most difficult girl's side. I needed...

"Emmett! Hey Emmett!" I yelled, running towards the house. He came out dragging Jasper with him.

"Dude tell him what we saw," Emmett said to Jasper.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "We saw flowers rain down from the sky," he mumbled exasperated. "Can I leave now?"

I waved him off. "Whatever. Emmett, I need your help."

Jasper and Emmett gasped. "You need...help? From me?" Emmett gaped.

"Are all the planets aligned or is it a full moon?" Jasper asked, still as shocked as Emmett.

"I need advice," I clarified. "Emmett, you mess up a lot, right? I mean, a _lot _lot."

Emmett folded his arms. "I wouldn't say a _lot _lot. Just because I accidentally pushed shiny red button on that plane, suddenly the whole world gets in a fight. They were boats, for god's sake!" he ranted.

Jasper put his hand on Emmett's shoulder to calm him. "Dude, it was Pearl Harbor and that was a bomber plane. Esme told you to apologize."

I growled. "I meant with Rosalie! You're always doing something wrong. How do you fix it? I tried flowers. That didn't work. What should I do?"

Jasper and Emmett shared a look. "_Ohhhhh _girl trouble. Well there's the usual flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep..."

"I _tried _flowers and it was the promises that got me into this mess."

"Then chocolates!" They exclaimed.

I turned and walked away. "I'm sorry I asked." Looks like I'm on my own...


	12. I'm Not Sorry For That

**Bella's Point of View**

I was finally alone for the first time since I became a vampire. I walked through the long hallway towards my room. The house was so preaceful. I lived it here. Finally I came to my door. With a content sigh, I opened. I walked to my couch and laid, sprawled across it. I could finally think about what has been happening without interruptions. I threw the daisies out my window. Whether for show or becuase I wanted to, I'll never know. The one thing I did before throwing out the flowers was tuck one into my sleeve. I had one daisy I decided to keep to remind me of Edward's attempt at an apology. I later put it in a book to press so it would last. It all seemed very silly to me from an outsider's perspective. I was miserable without Edward, I came to Denali for the single reason of seeing him; now that I saw him you'd think I'd jump into his arms and forgive him, but for some reason I couldn't. I couldn't just forget his abandonment and his words.

"You don't want me?" I asked.

"No," was the only reply I got.

No, I couldn't forgive him. Couldn't or _wouldn't_? I guess there was a distinct difference between the two words. Another question that rose in my mind was if Tanya wasn't here, would I have forgiven Edward that first moment? My body and heart screamed for Edward, but my mind -very quietly- remained firm. It wouldn't budge on its decision.

Suddenly I heard a flush come from the bathroom joined with my room. Emmett then came out carrying a newspaper. He sat down next to me on the couch. I stared at him in disbelief.

He glanced up from his paper. "Oh hey."

I didn't say anything. I just continued to stare. After a few seconds, he looked up again. "Do you mind? I'm trying to read here and your presence is extremely distracting."

Before I could respond, I heard a tiny knock on my door. Slowly I walked to it. On the other side, I heard giggling and shushing.

"No," I whispered, backing away from the door. The door leading to Hell.

"Yes!" Alice squealed, throwing the door open. All the girls had black ski masks on.

"Come quietly and we won't hurt you." Rosalie said, revealing a roll of duct tape.

Kate and Irina grabbed my arms as Rosalie taped my mouth shut. They dragged me out of the room, screaming.

"Have fun!" Emmett yelled, flipping a page in his newspaper.

They continued to drag me to a waiting farrari. "Whereareyoutakingmeh?" I mumbled through the tape.

Alice got in the back seat with me. "Shopping."

**-time elapse-**

"I'm tired," I whined.

"No you're not," Rosalie stated, handing me another shirt. "Vampires don't get tired."

"Then I'mmmm...hungry! Ha!" I finally had them.

"Bella, you just ate!" Alice yelled.

Two girls next to us walked away. I eyed them, licking my marble lips.

Irina smacked my arm. "What? I'm kidding! Geez..." I laughed.

Kate came up holding a dark purple shirt and black leather skinny pants. I was shocked to say I loved it. "Cute! You know me so well!" I took the outfit to try on. The shirt was off the shoulders and tight. I loved the color with the black pants. I stood in front of the mirror in the dressing room.

"Alice, are you okay?" I heard Rosalie softly ask.

I cocked my head to the side to listen. "Not really. I miss the old Bella," Alice replied sadly.

"If you remember, the old Bella didn't like shopping either." Rosalie reminded her.

"But Kate shows up with some dark clothes and suddenly she's running for the dressing room? You saw her room back at their house. It's so...goth."

I looked down at my clothes. I didn't realize my taste had changed so much.

"Alice, she changed when Edward left. We have to deal with that. Bella's still in there...somewhere," Rosalie whispered. "When she sees that Edward still loves her, she'll come back. Maybe not all the way, but she'll come back."

I took the clothes off and put mine back on. "Hey guys!" I came out.

Rosalie turned back to the clothes rack. "Hey Bella, did they fit?" Irina spoke before Alice could.

"Uh yeah! They look great. Have you found anything else?" I asked, carefully watching Alice.

Irina grinned, walking off to find an outfit and Tanya. I walked over to Alice and hugged her. "Bella, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just still happy you guys are here. I keep thinking if I close my eyes I'll wake up back in Forks...alone. It's nice to be back with my family," I told her.

Rosalie looked up at me. "Thank you," she mouthed.

I smiled, releasing Alice. "It's nice to have you back too," she said, reaching for an outfit. It was a midnight blue shirt with silver writing and swirls.

"This looks great! Do they have my size?" I asked.

She pulled a larger one out and handed it to me.

"Here," Rosalie threw a faded grey miniskirt at me. I took them to the dressing room and put them on.

"See? You can still have fun with her," Rosalie told Alice.

I opened the door and walked out. "What do you think?"

"Amazing!" Irina complimented.

"Now it's time for hair and nails." Kate grinned evily.

"No. I shopped. I'm not doing more. No, I won't." They continued to advance towards me. With one quick thought, I was off in the opposite direction. I couldn't go fast because of the humans watching, but I walked with speed. I was almost to the exit when Irina and Rosalie blocked me. I quickly turned and saw Kate and Tanya. I was trapped. Suddenly a large hand grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a small room; a janitor's closet by the looks of it.

I turned to thank my rescuer, but came face-to-face with a perfect crooked smile. I took as big a step as the tiny room would allow to get away from him.

"I believe a thanks is in order," he stepped towards me.

I pressed against the wall. "Edward, I-" Before I could finish, his lips were on mine. My heart exploded with an unfamiliar passion. Our lips moved in sync. His tongue tracing my bottom lip, asking for entrance. In that split moment, my mind caught up to the present. I pushed him away as I tripped for the door.

He was already pressing against it, not budging. "I'm sorry," he apologized, his eyes full of remorse.

I stood there, glaring at him. "Apology not accepted!" I snapped. "You don't just go around kissing people without their permission."

He looked shocked. "I'm not sorry for kissing you."

I crossed my arms. "Then why?"

He reached for me but I pulled away, unconsciously. "Bella, I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry for making that decision to leave you. I'm sorry for not coming back sooner. I'm sorry for a lot of things...kissing you itsn't one of them. I _am _sorry you think I should be sorry." His crooked smile showed up again.

"You have five minutes to explain why you're here." I told him seriously.

He shrugged. "I'll explain it in five words. I'm gaining your trust back."

I rolled my eyes. "Attacking me is not the best way to start."

He chuckled. "Oh that was an indulgence. The regaining of trust starts now."

I stared, unbelieving. "Uh...huh. Well good luck with that," I said sarcastically.

He stepped towards me again. "I have a proposition for you," he started. "You give me 30 days to make you re-fall in love with me and if I fail...you'll never see me again. Just thirty days and I'll be gone from your life."

I listened carefully. I could free of him for good in thirty days. Was that what I really wanted? My lips still burned from the kiss. But it was _just _a kiss. I looked him straight in the eye.

"You have thirty days, Edward, to make me re-fall in love with you. But I guarantee you're wasting your time."

I shook my head as I walked out of the broom closet alone.

"I assure you I'm not," he breathed as I walked away.


	13. Gone from Life but Not from Memories

**Edward's Point of View**

I sat in the broom closet with a dreamy look on my face. She wanted to kiss me too. I can't believe I actually did though. I wasn't planning on it, but when I saw her standing there, I couldn't help it. She kissed me back, but then it was as if a lightning bolt struck her down from our cloud. Suddenly she was that shell of hate again. She used to laugh at _my _mood swings?

_Edward, can I come in?_

I opened the door to Alice. She was trying to hide her smile, but failing miserably. "Edward tell me this vision happened please?" Her mind replayed the kiss I just shared with Bella.

I sighed. "Yes, that happened."

She squealed. "So she forgave you!"

The corners of my mouth turned down. "Yes, I kissed her, but no, she didn't forgive me. She wouldn't have let me kiss her if she saw it coming," I answered morosely.

"But I saw more visions of you together in the future. Explain that!" Alice's voice was raised two octaves higher.

I leaned my head back against the wall. "She gave me a month to change her mind about me. Thirty days to gain her love back. If she feels the same about me then I leave."

Alice's mouth was slightly open in shock. "Leave...Denali?" She asked.

I looked at her with an empty expression.

She gasped as it clicked. "No! No Edward, you can't! Think of Esme and Carlisle! ...Think of me." She collapsed onto the ground, not caring about her clothes. "Don't kill yourself Edward, please don't," she whispered brokenly. "We just got you back."

I pulled her into my arms. "Alice, that's only if I fail. I haven't even started on the thirty days yet. Have faith, little sister." I comforted her.

She hugged me tight, recomposing herself. "You've got a long month ahead of you. Those sisters aren't gonna let her go so easily."

I chuckled, "I know."

_Where's Alice? Bella's long gone by now. _I heard Tanya's thoughts nearby.

"I have to go. Give my regards to the family," I spoke quickly, running out the door.

**Bella's Point of View**

I walked out of the mall towards the safety of trees. As soon as I was out of the crowd, I ran. I ran fast and far. I didn't stop to think or say goodbye. I'd be back soon. The wind whipped around my face, tangling my hair and clothes, but I ran faster still. The angrier I was with myself, the faster I pushed my legs.

In a couple of hours, I was back in Forks. The welcome sign never looked so welcoming before. I walked into town and found the store. I needed something to cover me up so people wouldn't recognize me. A couple minutes later I was back in the rain with a knee-length trench coat and hat. I looked like one of those sexy detectives in the movies. Pulling the hat down, I made my way through the streets.

"Did you hear about what happened to Chief Swan's daughter?"

I stopped and listened to the women gossiping.

"No, my grand daughter isn't one to get involved in other people's business." I turned and saw Angela's grandmother with someone else.

"Well I heard she's in a mental institution. Ever since that Cullen boy she was dating raped her, she went into a spiralling depression."

My anger was still boiling over. My hands were in fists as I marched up to them. "What did you just say?" I growled.

The other lady, I now recognized as Jessica's mom, flinched.

"He didn't rape her! He never even touched her!" I defended.

"And where did you hear that?" Mrs. Stanley sneered.

"Bella Swan was a friend of mine," I told her cautiously pulling my hat lower. I shouldn't have gotten involved.

"Then where is she?" She challenged.

I stepped away. "She's...gone..." I didn't even know where she went. Angela's grandma stood up, watching me.

"Well, you should stay out of conversations unless you know what you're talking about." Mrs. Stanley marched off.

I turned back to the old lady. She was smiling at me now. I stared at her silently, nobody spoke. It was like she was seeing right through me. Finally she patted my shoulder. "Charlie really misses you. Angela does too," she talked, walking away.

My mouth flew open. She recognized me and I'd met her maybe once or twice. "Tell Angela thank you!"

Her grandma stopped and turned.

"For being my only friend. Tell her thank you...for me," I whispered.

She smiled in understanding. "You'll find your way again, dear. It may not be soon, but you'll find it." She walked away silently.

I headed farther into town until I reached the school. It was lunch time and all the kids were eating. I stood a short distance from the large window. I saw Mike and Tyler laughing at something Eric did, Jessica and Lauren were grimacing at them, and then I saw Angela. She sat away from the crowd with a sad look on her face. I watched all of them living on like normal people. Angela suddenly looked out the window at me with hope written on her face. Her eyes fell on mine. I took my hat off so she could see me better. She opened her mouth to say some the others, but then closed it with a smile. I smiled back at her.

"You're in a happier place, aren't you?" She whispered to herself, but I understood her.

I nodded happily. "I will be," I mouthed.

Her eyes widened at seeing I could hear her. "With Edward?" she inquired.

I started to shake my head, but stopped. I am happy with Edward. When he's near, I'm elated. I only feel truly sad when he's not there. "Yes," I told her.

"Thank you for coming back one last time," she spoke softly.

"Goodbye Angela. I'll miss your friendship."

"Me too," she whispered, a single tear running down her cheek.

"Hey Ang, what are you looking at?" Ben asked, following her gaze.

I was gone before he saw me. "I was just remembering..." A smile could be heard in her voice.

The last place I went was Charlie's house. He wasn't home so I walked in. The answering machine was packed with worried calls from Renee. Charlie must have told her that I was no longer with him. I went upstairs to my room. I left it a wreck in my hurry to escape. I wanted to leave Charlie something to show him that I was there.

In a couple minutes, the room was spotless. I then moved onto the bathroom and kitchen. When I reached the kitchen I was suddenly worried. What would he do without me? I opened the fridge to find it still full from when I last shopped. I pulled some ingredients out and started on his dinner. By the time I finished, it was fifteen minutes till five. I sat down at the table and wrote a letter to him.

Dad,  
I came back to check on you, but you were at work. It's better this way. I just wanted to come back one last time. I fixed you that lasagna you love. Grandma's recipe. I made enough for many leftovers. Just warm it up. Don't worry about Mom, I'll send her letter explaining things.  
I'm doing great. The family really treats me like one of them. It's nice. I've really started over. I've finally woken up from my nightmare. I can think of happier times without cringing from the bad.  
Please don't think you did something wrong with raising me. It was you that kept me alive. Thank you, Dad. Just know, I'll never be far. I'm always here with you.  
Love for eternity,  
Bella

I folded the note and placed it by his plate. I heard the cruiser pull up and Charlie get out. I fought with myself on if I should just see him one last time. His keys jingled in the lock. With a last look at my home, I left out the back door. I stood at the edge of the forest to listen. His boots dragged slowly into the kitchen. He stopped suddenly and gasped. A slight smile played on my lips as I heard paper being rustled. A few seconds later, he ran to the back door and looked out. His eyes searched the tree line for something. I turned and walked away when I heard him.

"You're always welcome back, Isabella," he whispered sadly, walking back into the house.


End file.
